I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize