he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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