That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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