cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
