i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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