I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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