paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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