it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
