I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
