I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
