Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
