So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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