The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
