i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yo dont text me then not text me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
