I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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