I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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