You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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