Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was born a porn star she said
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The air taste purple.
Randomize
