The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
