I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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