the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
