i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
