we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
