I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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