Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
