Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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