You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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