do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
