I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
