Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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