hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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