nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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