I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
