Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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