I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
