a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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