I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
