Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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