ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
