I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
