I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why do cheetos always look like penises
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize