i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
