gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
