do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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