the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
