I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
