I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize