oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
