he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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