I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This house was built for laser tag.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
