I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
