I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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