My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You were trust falling into bushes
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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