I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
