Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
