broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
