hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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