i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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