My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
