I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
