turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
