I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
