Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
