I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
